Since as far back as I can remember I have been boy crazy. I link it back to the fact that my real Dad (David, who I have listed in my cell phone as "Sperm Donor") wasnt really a huge role in my life. I was blessed with an amazing Step Dad, Randy, but for some reason I just couldnt get over the fact that I was "rejected" by Sperm Donor! I think it became a game to me... Find a guy, get him to like me and then get him to stick around (a game I have never been good at playing). When I did find a guy to stick around, I would put up with any and all bull shit he threw my way. I wasnt skinny enough, I went on a diet. I wasnt pretty enough, I bought cuter clothes and better make up. I wasnt good enough, I tried to impress him with anything and everything I would think he wanted. It never seemed to be enough, and in the midst of all of it... I was losing myself. I was losing the one person who matter the most, but did I care? No!
After getting out of a long 2 year abusive, cheating, no good engagment, I decided to just take a break from jerks all together. I then met Gary. Gary was the guy who turned it all around for me. Showed me that no matter the number on the scale or what the reflection is in the mirror, I deserved to be treated with much more respect and given more love then I have ever known. I was done for, this was the guy I knew I wanted in my life. This was the guy I wanted to grow old together and have babies with. Gary was it for me. Remember how I said I wasnt good at the game, well Gary left too. Really dont know why, other then it wasnt in God's plan for us to work out. For him, I learned what I wanted and he also taught me that I deserve more then I once believed. I was, at the least, heartbroken. All I knew to do was to fall on my knees and pray to God for a guy that would love me and never leave me... Then I met Clint.
Clint was a good guy, he was very good looking, very bubbly, and very married. Something said RED FLAG but something said "what the heck, he is going to get a divorce anyways!"... I cant said I regret our short lived realtionship because that would mean I wouldnt have met the guy that I had prayed for just a few months back. Clint and I ended up havin a son, I named him Caleb. The name came from a movie, Fire Proof, and meant "Faithful one". A very strong name for a very important character in my life. I was scared to be a Momma, I was scared to raise a boy (all I ever knew in my family was girls; I have tons of sisters, I have tons of Aunts, I have tons of nieces). But somehow I decided that I was going to stop the cycle with Caleb. I decided I am going to raise him to be the man that I have dreamed of having in my life. I wanted to raise him right, so that one day a girl would come along and be swept off her feet by my "Faithful" son.
After having Caleb, I was stupid and jumped into a realtionship.... lets just skip the details and say that went SOUTH too! I had decided to just be single. Very hard job to do, but I made a promise to Caleb and I was determined to do it. If you remember the 1st line to all this you will remember that I am BOY CRAZY. How do you just stop thinking about them?! I mean dont get me wrong I want a realtionship but at what cost? Everyone says "stop thinking about it and it will happen", can someone please answer me this... How do you just STOP thinking about it?
I have learned what I want in a man, and I have learned what I do not want. But it seems like all I know how to attract is a loser. I have fallen in love with myself for the 1st time in my life and I am 1st (behind Caleb). So this is where I am in my life right now... I am single, I am a single Mother, and I am a single Mother who isnt sure there is a guy out there that is good enough to be in my life or let alone in my son's life. Yes I am single, but am I really ready to mingle when all I know is heart break and tears?...
